October Update

It’s been a while since I've posted anything. It’s not very easy what with the kids and all. Don’t think I’ve not wanted too. There are many times I wanted to just run to the computer and type my thoughts. But for one reason or another I’ve just not done it. I can tell my life is really changing because of the kids. But it’s not all bad. Actually most of it is good I feel.

But I used to take a shower every other day, like clockwork. Now I find myself just washing my hair in the sink some mornings when I wake up and look in the mirror and see a mess. Why? I think I don’t feel comfortable doing it with kids in the house. Not sure what I’m worried about really. Is it that I don’t trust them to be alone? It can’t be that, because they are alone before and after school. But for whatever reason – it just seems harder to do now that they are here. But I think maybe I can do it before they wake up or after they go to sleep. That’s what I’ve started doing and it seems to help.

And I’m learning I can’t be their friend, like I want. I have to be their parental figure. When I try to act cool with Jimmy, he becomes a little boy. He likes to swear and lay on the floor and things like that. He wants me to come down to his level I feel. And that’s just not working. I want to be his friend, but I have to understand that he is 12 and I am 57. So now I am trying to slowly change my ‘coolness’ into something more mature. He’s a really good kid. He’s responsible, for a 12 year old, and I feel he wants to be a good kid. But he still does things wrong, like lying about brushing his teeth and telling me he’s done things that he really hasn’t. I’m still worried about leaving him home alone sometimes. I wonder what he does when I’m not around. Is he getting into trouble?

As for Kari, that is my real concern. I’m scared to death she is going to accuse me of ‘touching’ her in the wrong place. She walks around saying ‘don’t touch my butt’ or ‘you touched my bra’ when I give he a love tap on the rear or a rub on her back. All harmless, but could be a problem. I’m getting to the point when I’m afraid to touch her. She always wants hugs and kisses, like a normal little girl. But if someone doesn’t know her, they could think I’m a dirty old man! So do I give her the love she needs so badly? Or do I let my fears keep me from touching her? I keep remembering this neighbor who lived down the street who along with his wife was raising their grand kids. She accused her grandfather of sexual abuse. It was because he wouldn’t let her go out with some guy he didn’t approve of. And I’m thinking there were other issues as he and his wife went to church 3 times a week and I know the kids hated that! But bottom line was she made the accusations, the police investigated, the newspaper did the defaming articles and then she recanted her story. She admitted to saying it in a time of anger, and was sorry she did it, but the damage had already been done. I don’t want that to happen to me.

I think Kari was abused when she was younger. I’ve shared my thoughts with my older daughters, and they feel the same. I think that little girl has been through hell and may have some deep rooted issues. I’m hoping when Josh’s insurance kicks in perhaps I can get both kids some counseling. It couldn’t hurt right? If after a few sessions the counselor finds nothing to worry about, then it’s over and my fears were for nothing. But some of her off the wall comments like her step dad ‘pulling down both her pants sometimes’, or ‘I’ve done some really bad stuff’ leads me to believe she has some things really deep inside bugging her that maybe should come out. Comments like those, along with the ‘don’t touch’ comments and the need to have so many hugs, and her need to be with me at all times concern me.

I have a hard time getting her to stop tapping my ‘fat belly’ as she calls it. And her need to sit on me or lay with me when I’m watching TV bugs me too. I try the ‘bubble’ thing where I ask her to respect my bubble, but it rarely works. I usually will give in to her and let her sit with me, or I get mad at her and force her away from me. How do I make her feel safe and wanted, yet make her give me my space? It sounds like it’s not a hard task, but trust me, this girl needs someone to cling to! I want to show her all the love I can and let her and jimmy know that I will be here for them forever.

Even Jimmy seems to be looking for someone who won’t desert him. Am I making this up in my head? Are these kids just fine and it’s me who thinks they need saving? Is it me who has the problem? Do I think these kids are lost because I need someone to save?  If I listen to Sonya, these kids have lead a really tough life and are scarred from it. I agree they have been through a lot, having been in and out of foster care a number of times; moving from Michigan to Nebraska then back to Michigan again; living with their mother and her boyfriends(s), and seeing them fight and having the police take them away; losing their mother’s care and having their father take them to Nebraska to live with his girlfriend and her family; then loosing that home and family and moving into a house with only their father; then having to be grown up enough to be left alone while dad went to work. And then finally being uprooted again and moving back to Michigan to live with me and seeing their dad leave to take a long distance truck driving job and being stuck with me. Sounds pretty bad huh?

I won’t give up on these kids. Whether they are scarred inside or not doesn’t matter to me. Children can be beaten by the ones they love and still go back for a hug. They don’t know any better. They just want to feel save and loved. And I can provide that to these two kids. I’m not their parent and I won’t pretend to be. But I can be the best guardian they ever wanted! And if I can impact their life in a positive way then it will all be worth it. I just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me……………

A pretty good day.

Kids are off to bed.......... we made it through another day! And much better than yesterday! But the fear I had about trying to do Kari's homework tonight was for naught........ because she forgot to bring it home!!!! So I will have to wait to see how it goes tomorrow. 

I'm worried about Kari and the way she clings to me. I know it's harmless and she just wants to feel loved, but I can't seem to stop her unless I yell at her. Then she pouts and runs off and hides. So how do I handle it? I want her to feel loved, but not get too attached to hugging me 100 times a day. I'm going to have to keep working on this one.

And Jimmy seems fairly well adjusted to the move as far as I can tell. He is doing great in school. Always does his homework. I'm waiting to see if it ends............. I hope not.

Went to see Butch today. I forgot to mention yesterday that he called during the mass meltdown! He's doing pretty good. I spoke to his doctor and it seems like he needs a heart valve repaired. He'll know more tomorrow after the surgeon looks at the test results. I hope he agrees to do the operation. It will mean a better life for Butch.

So what will tomorrow bring? So many thoughts going through my mind......... Am I doing the right thing? Will I get my heart broken? Regardless of what happens to me, those kids better not get hurt. They've been through too much already.

My new life with Kids.

The kids got to me tonight like never before. I really felt the pressure for the first time since they moved in a couple weeks ago. Kari started crying and saying she wanted to run away or jump in the water and sink to the bottom. It all started because she didn't want to do her homework and I wouldn't let her get up from the table. She started complaining about how Jimmy always picked on her and called her ugly, the went on to start talking about all the bad things she's done in her life and how no one likes her. And she just kept going! Refused to stop crying and babbling about her terrible life and Jimmy picking on her. Then Jimmy started yelling at her because of what she was accusing him of. and I had both of them yelling and crying. Jimmy said Kari was making fun of him because of the bed wetting and diapers thing, and Jimmy was telling Kari to run away at the bus stop!

Then throw in Gary calling and asking questions about how to write an email and could I please could I send him one. I think there were 5 calls from him tonight.  The pressure was building.

So Jimmy went to his room to read and cool down and I held Kari for almost a half hour trying to reinforce the fact that her parents and I loved her, and that she is not ugly. She asked to go upstairs and be alone for a while so she could write her thoughts. I said yes. I could barely hold back the tears and I didn't want to appear weak in front of her. After about 10 minutes I called up to her and she came downstairs with a note book and read me her thoughts. That poor little girl wrote 5 lines that said she was sorry about her past actions of being bad and sorry for stealing from people. And that she will be nicer to people and learn to respect others. And she will keep her hands to herself and treat others the way she wanted to be treated. I hugged her as she cries and made her write one more line ' I am not ugly'. Then I took her into the bathroom and made her look in the mirror and repeat it while I help her face. I was crying inside and it hurt! It's been a long time since I've felt that way.... it's not a good feeling either.

Jimmy heard us in the bathroom and came in too. He apologized to Kari for being mean to her and we all hugged while I tried to bestow on them some words of wisdom. We are a family now. We must stick together and help each other and not try to hurt each other. And it's easier to be mean that it is to be nice, but we must try anyway. I really didn't' know what to say, but I just kept talking and hugging.

So we all went back to the dining room to finish homework and it got worst for me again. Kari needed constant help doing her homework, and not play around. And Jimmy informed me that he needed his PowerPoint presentation done today to be turned in tonight! So I had to load Office on to his computer, but I didn't have the Admin password. So I had to text Josh and ask for it. Then back to the table to help Kari. Then Josh called and wanted to talk. So as I'm opening up his account and trying to download Office, and listen to Kari pout about not knowing what to do, and having Jimmy try to talk to me at the same time Josh was, I was ready to scream!! But I didn't. I listened to Josh, told Jimmy and Kari to hold one a minute and handled it like a pro! I think anyway.

So I got Jimmy set up on the computer, and guess what - he really didn't know how to use Powerpoint like he thought! AAAARGGG!!! So help him, then help Kari, then back to Jimmy, then take a call from Gary, then back to Jimmy. Then Gary again! I finally gave up on Kari's homework and wrote a note to her teacher saying I couldn't do her homework and didn't understand it. So I'll probably hear about that tomorrow!

Jimmy finished his presentation and I sent it off to his teacher. I won't even go into how I couldn't download the file onto my memory stick, which was actually a wireless mouse transmitter! Finally figured that out! So I put them off to be at 9pm and here I sit!!! Now it's 10:30 and I'm going to bed. And Facebook changed really irked me tonight!!! Damn those guys!

Finally - I've had the kids for about 2 weeks now. No one thinks I know what I'm doing and failure is less that a month away. Today was the first time I doubted myself. I hope it's the last. I plan on keeping these kids forever. They are a part of my life I want to continue. They make me feel whole again. God - help me succeed.

Times change

I miss the old days when he was home. I'm having a hard time being alone again. My memories of us being best friends keep coming back.

I find it hard...........

It's not easy doing this blog thing. I have so much to say, but can't find the time to do it!

Saw my son and his girlfriend last weekend. It was nice. It's been a long time since I've seen him and I really miss him. I know he has his own life now, but I miss taking care of him. I fear it's all I know how to do. For so many years all I did was watch over him. He became more than my son - he became my best friend. I thought I could figure out how to cope with him moving away, but it's not been easy. I know what I have to do. I have to move on with my life. Now all I have to do is do it!

So how does one go about finding a girlfriend? I've tried, kinda, but can't get the hang of it. Every girl I see thats around my age, reminds me of my mother! And when I look at younger women, I feel like a pervert! Don't get me wrong - I'm not talking about really younger girls, just girls around 10 or 15 years younger than me. Am I wrong to want a good looking lady, who looks nice in a tight pair of jeans? On those dating sights, all I get looking at me or messaging me are overweight, older ladies. Does than mean I'm ugly? I would assume that if only those type of ladies find me attractive, then I must be on the 'homely' side. Is that a fair assumption? And why do I feel bad wanting a pretty lady? So many questions and so few answers

I'm going to bed.

Back to work!

After a week of time off, it was kinda refreshing to get back to work. I just started this job a couple months ago and I actually do like it. I guess I'm made to work for a living. Maybe it's that I don't have anyone to come home to anymore............ I used to be a clock watcher. But now I leave work whenever I want to.


You know what? I can't seem to get the hang of this! I'm afraid to put my thoughts out there! What if someone I know reads it! I keep writing garbage just to write something.

The new room.

Spent the last two days painting my new room. It's not actually a new room......... just remodeled. What a pain! Try painting a 16' wall and ceiling! Up and down that dang latter at least 100 times! Two coats of paint, do the edging twice so far. Now to let it dry and then make a nice straight line between the ceiling and walls so it looks a bit better. It would have been a whole lot easier if I'd have just painted the ceiling and walls the same color! But I don't think it would have looked as good as it does with a off-white ceiling and gray orchid walls.

And since I don't have money for more, for the time being this is all the room will get! Have to wait until I can afford to do the floor and doors and trim. But no big deal. I'm all alone in this big house. No one ever comes over anyway.

Which makes me wonder why am I doing all this work to this big house? If I was smart I'd get rid of this place and get myself something smaller. How many of you out there in virtual land would keep a 5 bedroom house with almost 3000 square feet if it was just you and 2 cats?